Headlong Toward Catastrophe

There's No Silver Lining to This

2008-11-17T13:45:00.002-06:00

Pain. It sucks. I hope the ibuprofen stops it.

That is all.

2008-11-04T20:23:00.002-06:00

I'm watching CNN on TV and laptop, watching google's election results tracker and checking fivethirtyeight.com.

Sad. :D

Farming

2008-11-03T11:29:00.003-06:00

I took the first steps toward building my render farm today, with the purchase of 10 Dell Optiplex Socket 478 main boards.

I chose those because they support Pentium 4 processors, which I have line on for about $25 bucks each, with heatsink/fan. They also support PC-2700 memory which I can get fairly cheap. While the farm won't be the fastest network system ever built each element of the farm will be faster than my current desktop computer.

It's going to be tough project. Since I can't afford 10 windows licences, I'm going to have to load each system with Linux. I'm a linux n00b. Then I have to get Dr.Queue running to manage the task distribution. My goal is to put together 8 machines with P4 2.4+Ghz, 800MHz FSB, and 512K L2, with 10GB Hard drives, and 2Gigs memory running a low overhead Linux distro. The other boards will have larger Hard drives, and I'm hoping to get one of them running Ubuntu for the eye candy (It will be the working machine and not carry any of the render load.). The Remaing maching will have the low overhead OS and be the controller for the rest of the setup.

With luck I'll be able to get the system running with minimal problems. I'm not trying to become a Linux expert, I just want a low cost render farm.

Exercise Report

2008-07-14T22:38:00.002-05:00

Exercise:
Walked - 2.8 miles
Skipped rope - about 4 minutes (it's harder than it looks)
Crunches - 200 (50 each uppers, lowers and laterals)

Two in One Day

2008-07-14T16:36:00.001-05:00

After a year of silence, two posts in one day. I use this a launch page for webcomics, and I don’t think I can stand having the preceding post in my face every day.

So, now for something completely different.

Life has a way of thumbing it’s nose at your every effort. I don’t mean to pessimistic. In fact, I find this more amusing than anything else.

I worked out yesterday, while waiting for my laundry to dry. It was a good work out. At the end I was worn out, but riding the rush of those endorphins they claim you get from exercise. Turns out they are real after all.

Between the effort of holding myself together, getting a couple of chores done and working out, I was feeling pretty good. I even took a dip in the pool, for the first time in three years I’ve lived here…There was no one at the pool; I wasn’t feeling THAT good.

There is a guy living in the complex. About my height, a bit darker of skin, shaved head, thin as a rail. I first saw him as went for a run, wear nothing but shoes and a pair of running shorts sized for a Ken doll. I remember this because it’s exactly what I don’t want to see. I have body issues, and not just with my body. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t use the pool for so long.

This guy is cut. He obviously takes care of himself religiously. He’s the kind of guy who makes us merely mortal men feel bad about ourselves. So he bugs me double. I mean, I respect his right to do and be what he wants to do and be. I just wish I didn’t have to see it. And he has the kind of physique I want.

So, I’m feeling rather good about myself, after doing what I’ve done. So I decide to get a pack of smokes, because what better way to celebrate moving toward your fitness goals than to indulge in habit that may kill you? I showed of the pool water, got dressed and wandered out. Driving up the road, and who do I see coming back from his 50 gajilliom mile run?

At least he had on a decent pair of shorts, but good god. The man has abdominal muscles the size of my head! I’m pretty sure they could stop bullets. He probably does crunches by crushing refrigerators betweens his knees and chest.

Needless to say, my sense of accomplishment popped.

I got it back. One must be realistic about these things. They guy had just run a few laps around the planet, and I’m challenged to run for a third of a mile, so it isn’t as if we’re in the same league, much less on a level playing field. I did good.

I want to do better. The best way I can figure to do that is to use all of the equipment I have. Like any man settled into a desk job and reaching the top of the hill, I have a lot of fitness equipment. Equipment I don’t use. I paid for all of this stuff, it’s about time I put it to work.

At the moment I own, a Tony Little Gazelle, 6 weighted ankle/wrist bands, 2 ab machines, 4 barbells, a resistance band, a door mounted resistance set, a balance ball, a “Perfect Push up” set and a jump rope.

I want to start with the jump rope. Well coordinated rope jumping is more intensive a workout than jogging, and lower impact (as crazy as that sounds). I want to get at least as much value out of jumping rope as I do walking, so that I might replace one with the other…though I really don’t intend to give up walking. I just don’t want to walk as long as I have been.

I used the resistance door set yesterday and I liked it, so I’m going to keep that in play, and build on what I’ve already done.

I’m going to pull out the ab machines, but this time, I’m going to focus. Most people, including me, do ab work like it is a chore (which it is). They try to get it over with as quickly as they can. This pretty much ruins proper form, and from what I’ve read (I’m no expert) without proper form, you might as well not bother with an abdominal work out.

I know I haven’t being doing it right. Not just from lack of results. I can remember most ab work outs I’ve done, and I’ve always had muscles other than my abs straining. I’m going to try to focus on just using my abdominals for the lifting.

After I did the door resistance, I did a few sets on the Perfect Push up, so I’m already using those.

I don’t what to do with free weights/weight bands.

I might dust off the gazelle and put it to use.

If I’m going to beat this guy at his own game (or at least not be embarrassed about how bad I look compared to him) I’m going to have to keep track of what I’ve done. I’m also going to have to start eating better, but that’s post I’m not ready to tackle yet. Since I have this journal, and longer have anything better to do, I figure I should start making notes every day about my progress.

Maybe it will act as a motivator, having a public account of what I’m doing. I’ve never tried anything like it, but it’s worth a shot and it’s worked for other people.

I Tried to Quit Smoking

2008-07-14T11:32:00.000-05:00

I tried to quit smoking, and that was my first mistake. Two days later my relationship was on the rocks. Five days after that it was over. I feel dead. After three years, I don’t think my nervous system knows how to handle the loss. If I work, I’m distracted and I get by just fine. It’s an illusion, of course. The bottom drops out without warning and I plummet towards despair.

She told me she didn’t want to hurt me, then shredded my soul. In her defense, she had reasons. She believes I don’t value or respect her opinion. She believes I want her to change fundamentally to fit my personality. She believes we have difference that can’t be worked through.

If I thought any of that was true, I wouldn’t be the wreck I am now. I mean, I’d be devastated, but I’d have the solace of knowing it was only what was best for us. I don’t believe that, so instead I’m angry, I feel betrayed, abandoned…destroyed.

I’ve lost the only good thing life ever offered me. At least the only one I recognized. And that’s part of the rub. I know that, taken literally, that isn’t true. Life’s given me opportunities and good friends, but more than that, taken as I really mean it, life has probably offered me thing and I just didn’t notice.

I think I could be okay if I could hate her for what she did, but I can’t. I know, on a primal level--striped of hubris, anger and self deception—that I do value her opinion, don’t want her change… I just failed to let her know.

The easy way would be to say, I don’t know what I could have done differently to let her know. It isn’t as if I didn’t tell her these things. I did, over and over. It isn’t as if I didn’t ask her opinion, solicit her advice. It was often like pulling teeth, and the results were often disappointing. The fact, however, is that--even though I did those things, and changed the way I did those things--I never changed my basic approach. Same old shit, different day.

If you want to improve something, you need to do a reality check. You need to ask; Is this working? I didn’t, and it wasn’t. Thus, the part of the rub I mentioned before. As much as she did this, so did I. Most of my efforts were intended to prevent it, but the road to hell is paved with such and that cliché has a real meaning. Intent is never enough. You must be aware and act responsibly and above all, make sure you are going where you were aiming.

Kevin thinks that there is nothing between us that warrants a break up. Beyond the anger and sense of betrayal, I agree, but what can I DO about it?

She doesn’t want to talk to me. Even if she did, I’d have to convince her that she was wrong, which would be neither valuing nor respecting her opinion, which I do. And that was my second mistake.

I valued her opinion and her right to choose her path so much that when her opinion turned against us, I was paralyzed. Perhaps I should have raged against it all. Let the emotions run free, poured out my heart. That wouldn’t have been fair. At the time, being fair seemed the right thing to do. At the time I felt like the emotions would only make it worse. I guess I just couldn’t believe we’d really end up here. I couldn’t believe that being together was such a bad thing.

I don’t know that letting the emotions free would have been a good thing. I don’t trust my emotions, because they aren’t trust worthy. They lead to more bad choices than good. They are self-interested and often petty. I don’t think this makes them bad, and hope it doesn’t make me a bad person. I just think of them as advice that must be taken with a heavy amount of salt. What would I have said, driven by the raw fear and heartache? Would I have been insulting? Destructive?

I don’t know. I didn’t know then, and I don’t now. Now, as then, I’m stuck. Stuck between release and despair, between heartache and anger, between desperation and panic. I feel like destroying something, but I’ve never been one to take things out on stuff, so I’m left with destroying myself. That’s just stupid, but the emotional mind is trying to come up with anything it can to make this right. Which goes back to why I don’t trust it.

I want her back. I need her back. Sometimes that’s all I can think about, but in the darkest moments I find myself asking, “what if she is right? What if we are better off apart? What if you need her because you’ve never made yourself whole?”

Not Dead Yet

2007-03-07T10:06:00.000-06:00

I feel obligated to point out that Kara "Starbuck" Thrace/Anders didn't die on Sunday's episode of BSG. The clues all came together this morning. I'd like to say that deep thought went into this but, no. I saw a post on Wired's Table of Malcontents and it all just popped into my head, fully formed.

Kara spoke to an oracle who told her that the cylon Leoben was coming for her. While we did see him in the episode, Kara figured out that he was a figment of her imagination or an aspect of her unconscious. Oracles in BSG have a habit of being accurate in a non-metaphysical sense. Things they've said or seen actually happen. "Spirit-guide Leoben" doesn't satify the statement by the oracle.

But the Heavy Raider does. The episode worked hard to suggest that the Heavy raider was a figment of Kara's delusions, but they continued to toss out the idea that dradis wasn't working well. At one point Apollo loses contact with Starbuck on dradis, lending credence to the idea that Raider might be real. But the kicker is when Lee breaks through the clouds and spots Starbuck's fighter. The POV is from LEE's cockpit. In the distance, there is a Cylon Heavy Raider.

There is the matter of the hole in Starbuck's canopy and the other hole in the back wall of the cockpit. Damage taken when the "imaginary" Heavy Raider took a shot at her. The evidence that the Raider was real is pretty strong, but it could have been director misdirection.

The reason I don't think it was is that it was a Heavy Raider. Why would Starbuck hallucinate a Heavy Raider? The Standard Cylon raider seems much plausible for a fighter jock.

The key thing: Kara reached for her ejection handle. They showed that, but again, didn't really play it up.

See the Heavy Raider doesn't make sense, either as a hallucination or as a production choice until one recalls that the Cylon Heavy Raider is also a Cylon air-mobile troopship. It has a pressurized cabin.

Kara isn't dead. She's a Cylon prisoner. Leoben's prisoner, most likely. Which is actually kind of annoying, because we've been there before.

With all that definite language, you'd think I was certain of my reasoning. I'm not, of course. It's a solid interpretation of events, but television producers like to keep their options open. (SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)....
...
...
...
...
Katie Sackhoff won't be credited in the last 3 episode of the season, which suggests that she won't be in those shows. Which also means she might not be seen until next season. Writers work in the off season, and that means they have ample time to play with the plot and develop new twists that still fit all of the evidence they've shown. Right now the evidence suggests that Starbuck ejected and was picked up by the Heavy, but the writers don't have to commit to that. They can make up anything they want.

Without giving much more away, the finale of this season has been described as "mindbending". I expect that has something to do with the mystery of the final five Cylons, but it might be Starbuck related. All I know for certain is that Ron Moore has taken some serious risks to bring the show to this point.

Because I still think BSG is a good show, I hope the mindbending finale is worth it. And I hope I'm right because Starbuck is the bomb, and I doubt I'll be able to watch the show without her in it.

I do hope you saw this coming

2007-01-29T10:06:00.000-06:00

Thanks go to Heather M.

I'm Batman

Batman		95%
Iron Man		70%
Green Lantern		70%
Superman		70%
Robin		47%
Hulk		40%
Supergirl		37%
Catwoman		30%
The Flash		30%
Wonder Woman		27%
Spider-Man		15%

You are dark, love gadgets
and have vowed to help the innocent
not suffer the pain you have endured.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

The Year is Two-Thousand and Seven

2007-01-01T11:26:00.000-06:00

Things I will not be doing on this blog post:

Making a list of New Year's Resolutions.

Writing a Retrospective of 2006.

Those things do not make me happy. It does make me happy to state that I will not be doing those things. That's what this blog is all about.

So I will make a list of things that made me happy so far in 2007:

I hung out with family from the moment the year started.
I started the new year with a kiss.
I woke up several times after going to sleep, and while that wasn't good or happy making, every time I saw my Heather beside me, she was doing something terribly cute in her sleep.
Arizona Green Tea and Lemonade.

Short list, but the year is only 11 hours 37 minutes old.

The Law

2006-12-12T17:32:00.000-06:00

Last week a government agent showed up at the office. I'll not go into detail here for various reason (mostly because it wasn't really serious, and the details don't really matter). The guy was a bit rude, but not really an ass or anything. He didn't swagger or play big brother. I only remember that he was bit rude because he was dressed like Mr. Rogers... without the comfortable shoes.

The rude was just a small thing. I wouldn't hold it against the guy. Someone at the office, we'll call her Jan, assumed he was there for a meeting with the company officers. She wasn't overly presumptuous (there was a meeting scheduled for that time). They guy was all like, "I have no idea what you're talking about," and whipped out a badge.

Jan looked as if someone slapped her. The whole thing was funny, in a kind of surreal way. The guy was dressed like Mr. Rogers!

I have no idea why that amuses me so.

"Perfect" is in the Little Things

2006-12-03T19:10:00.000-06:00

My fiancée is the best any person could wish for. Really. No, really. This isn't one of those "look at how cute this is" posts... Okay, it is, but I think the facts prove her to be more than a cut above the rest.

Case in point:
She got me this watch. The world's coolest watch, mind you. And not a watch from Wal-Mart. This is no cheap watch, and she bought it for me. But the reason she bought it for me is the kicker... She bought me this watch because I got her an engagement ring.

Now before you say I'm wrong for accepting the watch (because I didn't ask for it), please keep in mind that I tried to stop her. Really. It seemed wrong to me, but--as I understand it--it seemed just as wrong to her not to exchange things.

But this is only the beginning...

Yesterday she gave me birthday presents. I am aware that yesterday was not my birthday. But she won't be in town on my birthday, so it makes sense.
She got me many things. A pair of tweezers, a shirt, a duffel bag and book. But the tweezers are the super awesome, pull out anything, tweezers. If you've never had a pair, you don't know what you are missing. The duffel holds a volume equal to 62 liters (or as I keep saying 60 two-liters). The shirt is the bomb. I encountered such a shirt once before but was too poor to buy it, and the book...

I could claim I had wanted this book forever, but I had not. I could claim that book was on a subject dear to my hear, but again it is not. Yet the book is a book I would want if I had known it existed.

She can read the thoughts I haven't had yet!!!!!!!!

It Says Something About Endurance

2006-11-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

Heather M holds three of the top ten google results for her name. I know this because I finally got curious about who the other Heather M-as referenced in the title of that post--is.

I suppose it says something that I'm willing to look for things like that. I'm the curious type, when I get around to it. I did find the other Heather M, and after poking about the internets for a bit came to the conclusions that she cannot be compared to the Heather M. that I know. (I, incidentally, found a third Heather M on myspace, but I don't think myspace counts as a website. I do think someone needs to point out to this underage person that posting your cell number on the web isn't the smartest thing to do. Yet another Heather M has a page on Amazon this is also IMHO not a website...but I digress). Heather M is not only dominating the top 10, she she has 8 of the top 30. She is also more interesting purely by the amount of information one can find about her, if so inclined.

I suppose that could be a bit dangerous (what with the remarks about the 16 year old) but I figure, if no one has tried to hunt her down by now, no one will.

I should be writing, being nanowrimo and all, but I'm going to go look at the scatter hints of Heather M that reside on the internets for a while.

c:/audio/soundfx/rimshot.mp3

2006-11-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

This doesn't need me to post about it, but it's damn funny, so I must. Perhaps, one day, when I'm rich and famous, my fans will read the archives and be introduced to the serious funny.

Warning: The linked webcomic is chock full of nerd jokes. You have been warned.

Yarii!

2006-11-06T08:38:00.000-06:00

I was driving to work this morning--my regular 2 hour commute--going about 70 miles per hour. I was in a 70 so I was going slow. I didn't much care, because thanks to my own mistake (which forced me to turn around, drive back to where I stated and pick up my medicine) and a serious accident that had 2 lanes of I-65 shut down, and south bound traffic crawling along at 10 mph I was already late.

The way I see it, degrees of late are meaningless. You are either early, on time or late. Since I was running late, I decided to drive calmly and save gas.

In any event, I was (of course) being passed by everyone and everything on the road. So when the little red car came screaming up behind me at about 80, I took little notice. As it passed, the little hatchback caught my eye as being a bit strange in shape. A quick glance at the back end of the car, and what do you know...a Yaris.

Yaris sounds like a poorly named D&D character, but that has little to do with the story at hand.

The little car raced ahead, and I thought that was the end of it. I thought wrong. With in a minute of the first car, I noted another red weird-looking car racing up behind me. I thought, "That's not another Yaris." Alas, it was. This Yaris owner, not to be out done by the first, had opted for the 4 door "sedan" version of the tiny car, and was rocketing by at not less than 90 mph.

As he raced down the road, obviously intent on destroying and devouring the Yaris hatchback, I pondered the plural form of Yaris. The obvious suggestion was Yarisses, but that looks and sounds silly. Next I considered "Yaris" Both singular and plural. That had a simple symmetry to it but was generally unsatisfying.

In the end I chose something far more fun, IMO:

Yarii, n: Plural form of "Yaris"

Be careful, there are a bunch of Yarii on that lot.

Someone is Looking for Me

2006-10-12T15:04:00.000-05:00

Or at least this blog. My fiancé decided, some months ago to start a blog. Sometime later, she told me about it, but wouldn't let me know where it was. She failed to plan the keeping of her blog-secret in view of the fact that I'm an IT professional and have some access to almost every computer she might choose to blog from.

So, I found her blog. Go me!

This is my 3rd blog. Like many a blogger, I haven't settled into a true personal voice. I doubt this one is that voice either. I started it to catalogue nice things. Positive insights or amusing (to me) annecdotes. Because I just quit smoking and right now I want to die.

I have no idea if it will last, or what I might end up doing with it as time goes on. I do know one thing, though:

I'm not telling my fiancé how to find it for at least a few more days. At least.

Unless she tries to bribe me with nicotine.

Anti-meme?

2006-10-11T16:12:00.000-05:00

Heather M. posted this a few days ago, just before I went into a horrible nicotine fit. Not that the two are at all related, mind you. Since I absolutely love to follow instructions, and I need to actually post something here...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 161.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually next to you.

While not technically the nearest book, Nanofuture: What's Next for Nanotechnology did happen to be the book within easiest reach. I would have had to dig the nearest book out from under a pile of paper and note pads... and lunch left overs.

"But rather than cloth, this is a mesh with holes about like a window screen."

What did I accomplish? I killed 11 minutes and got a first post done. one day I'll follow the trail of posts tacking each fifth sentence from page 161 together. I bet it forms a code.